First chapter: Assignment.
I'm Bond, Smiley Bond.
Shhh... I'm a secret agent.
One day I was driving my Ferrari...
When I recieved a coded message from my boss...
It was a simple call for...
No need to tell, I was terrified...
I had to act as fast as possible, and right away.
I met with my boss...
Who explained that...
...He had an information from our spies that...
...Villain named Hadolf Itler was having a plan to rule the world.
I had to stop him with any means possible.
Second chapter: Outside the hideout.
This time I choosed a smaller car, so I could silently approach his headquarters.
Oh, god! He had a whole personal army there...
Seems like they worshipped him... As if they were brainwashed...
I used a device to hear what they were talking inside the hideout...
Oh the horror! He was helding a hostage, and that was noone else but...
...Smylelina, my old and never forgotten love.
Third chapter: Flashback.
I met Smylelina in high school.
It was the sixties, of course...
I asked her to go to the prom with me...
She said "Yes". So we went...
It was greatest evening of my life. I felt like king...
I felt like I knew her all my life.
The band was playing.
Though till the end of evening they were a little tired...
We left the party when karaoke started.
First she kissed me...
And, of course, obligatory sex scene followed. Don't miss wide screen edition.
But after we graduated...
She started acting uptight...
And, at the end, left me.
I tried to fullfill emptyness by becoming a secret agent.
As I heard her voice, old emotions overwhelmed me.
Fourth chapter: In the nest.
I stunted a guard...
I was hoping, with my clever disguise I would blend into a crowd.
Little did I realise that my mask was missing something to be fully convincible.
"Hey, imposter!" I heard behind me. I rolled over avoiding bullets.
"Where do you think you're going?"
But he didn't know that I was a boxing amateur champion.
Fight didn't last long.
Crazy guy appeared out of nowhere.
And started chasing me with a hatchet.
"We're taking you to our boss."
Fifth chapter: Itler reveals plans.
"Long time no see, mister Bond? I've got something that might be of intrest to you.
"Oh, Smiley, I'm so glad to see you!
"Let her go and fight like a man, you Pig!"
I called him chicken, too. In case calling him pig didn't opset him enough.
"Let me reveal my evil plan first." "Oh, yeah. First comes first."
"I want to be a master of the world"
"I've got a bunch of mens easy to kill"
"They will use mighty rays developed in my laboratories..."
"...to alter everybody's genetical code..."
"...everybody will become "Star Wars" fan."
"Then I will put a mask of Luk Skywalker..."
"...and come to world as a new messiah."
"I've already got pope on my pavement list."
"That's horrible" I thought.
I didn't want to show fear. I said:
Secretly, I was looking around for a way to escape.
Sixt chapter: Escape.
Situation was hopeless. Five strong man guarding me.
I had a plastic explosive hidden under my nail.
But I was afraid to use it on such little distance.
"Kill him" said Itler.
I had no other choice but to throw explosive into his direction.
I kicked nearest guy down...
And took his weapon.
"Seize him" he yelled as I was running away.
One guy was in my way...
I killed him.
I took them all down. Cause I'm a good shooter, and all.
That was my sidekick who finally arrived.
More armed people came, but there were two of us now.
They shot him...
"Leave me alone... kah... I won't make it... kah... save yourself..."
I was really mad this time.
I took my big bag of napalm...
And burned the whole place down.
The only one who survived was this martial arts expert...
...But he run away.
Seventh chapter: End.
Boss called me: "We're coming to pick you up with a plane."
I climbed to the top of the pile of dead bodies so they could better see me.
A plane lended.
I put on a helmet...
...and we flew away home.
Boss said: "You didn't save the girl?"
"What girl? Oh, yeah, there was some girl."
Too bad. She was a wife of Mexican ambasador."
"Bah. If you wanted girl saved, you should've send Batman."
Attack of the aliens.